The pursuit of self esteem is perhaps one of the biggest movements of the last 50 years. From teachers to parents and popular culture, we have been taught that feeling good about yourself is a high priority. A huge self help industry has been built around the benefits of increasing self esteem. The self esteem movement bases its assumptions on the belief that high self esteem leads to positive outcomes, and low self esteem leads people to do things that are harmful and destructive. However recent research has laid bare the negative aspects of self esteem. It has led to us becoming more and more competitive, as our self worth is calculated by how better we are doing in relation to others.

Our culture has become so competitive we need to feel special and above average to just to feel okay about ourselves (being called “average” is an insult). Most people, therefore, feel compelled to create what psychologists call a “self-enhancement bias” – puffing ourselves up and putting others down so that we can feel superior in comparison.

Dr Kristen Neff

This constant need to feel better than those around us leads to a sense of isolation and separation. In addition our self esteem is dictated by our latest success or failure. However perhaps the most insidious consequence of the self esteem movement is the narcissism epidemic. Self-esteem has also been linked to aggression, prejudice and anger towards those who threaten our sense of self-worth. It’s the reason some people bully or put others down to build themselves up.

Self Esteem Vs Self Compassion

In contrast to self-esteem, self-compassion is not based on self-evaluations. People feel compassion for themselves because we all deserve compassion and understanding, not because they possess a trait or traits that are desirable. This means that with self-compassion, you are not dependent on feeling better than others to feel good about yourself.  Self-compassion also allows for greater self-clarity, because personal failings can be acknowledged with kindness and do not need to be hidden.It also involves mindfulness — the recognition and non-judgmental acceptance of painful emotions as they arise in the present moment.

Moreover, self-compassion isn’t dependent on external circumstances, it’s always available – especially when you fall flat on your face!  Research indicates that in comparison to self-esteem, self-compassion is associated with greater emotional resilience, more accurate self-concepts, more caring relationship behavior, as well as less narcissism and reactive anger.

Although low self esteem is not something we want to suffer, and we always work at increasing our clients sense of self worth, our adoption of the self compassion approach has greatly improved client outcomes. We owe much of this to the hard work our clients put into their therapy, but also the fantastic work done by Dr Kristen Neff. We really recommend this TED Talk about self compassion which we have featured in our blog post on the psychological aspects of weight loss.

Also take a look at our self esteem booster guide which you can access below.

We all experience some degree of anxiety in our lives. Life is full of anxiety provoking challenges that we have to face. In fact, anxiety is normal and adaptive as it helps us prepare for danger.

Therefore, the goal is to learn to manage anxiety, not eliminate it.

The fight or flight syndrome is useful when the stress is short term, (such as running for a bus so as to not be late), and the body is able to quickly return back to balance point. But when the stress is chronic, your body tries to sustain the high alert status well beyond the point that is healthy.

The Six Best Strategies to Manage Anxiety.

These techniques fall into three typical areas:

• the physical arousal that constitutes the terror of panic
• the heightened feelings of tension that correlated with being ‘stressed out’
• the mental anguish of rumination – a brain that wont stop thinking distressing thoughts

1. Breathe

Breathing exercises are one of the best and quickest ways to help regulate your body and emotion when you feel anxious. This will help with the distressing physical arousal that comes with feeling anxious. There are many breathing techniques but one of the best is called the 4,7,8 Breathing technique. The technique has 4 easy steps, as follows;

1. Breathe in through your nose for a count of 4.
2. Hold your breath for a count of 7.
3. Release your breath from your mouth with a whooshing sound for a count of 8.
4. Without a break, breathe in again for a count of 4, repeating the entire technique 3-4 times in a row, then resume normal breathing and activity.

2.  Practice mindfulness

Mindfulness is simply the act of living in the present moment. Many people who are full of anxiety tend to focus a lot of their mental energy on the future. They spend an inordinate amount of their time and energy trying to make the future as predictable as possible. This type of living is driven by fear of the unknown. But, mindfulness refocuses that energy and tries to live fully in the present. It takes practice to live in the present moment when you are used to leaning out into the future, but the present is a far more peaceful place to live. Mindfulness can help with both the mental anguish and the physical arousal associated with anxiety.

3. Do things you find Fun

Laughing is a great way to increase good feelings and discharge tension. Getting in touch with fun and play isn’t easy for the serious, tense worrier. A therapy goal could be simply to relearn what you had fun doing in the past and prescribe yourself some fun.

4. Recognise and challenge distorted thoughts and unhelpful thinking

If you are prone to feel a lot of anxiety, chances are that you have untrue thoughts or beliefs that are fueling your anxiety. For example, you might immediately assume that when a given situation doesn’t turn out as expected that it will become a worst-case scenario (catastrophising). These ways of thinking are distortions and act as lenses through which you typically see the world. The way out of these distortions is to train your mind to be objective and reflect on other possibilities. For example, instead of defaulting to negative about all the things that went wrong in that job interview, focus on what went well and what you might do differently the next time you are in a similar situation. Learning how to control the thoughts we listen to can have a profound effect on diminishing mental anguish.

5. Worry Well, but Only Once

Some worries just have to be faced head-on, and worrying about them the right way can help eliminate secondary, unnecessary worrying. When you feel that your worries are out of control try this next method:

1. Worry through all the issues within a time limit of 10-20 mins and cover all the bases.
2. Do anything that must be done at the present time. Set a time when it’ll be necessary to think about the worry again
3. Write that time on a calendar.
4. Whenever the thought pops up again say, “Stop! I already worried” and divert your thoughts as quickly as possible to another activity – you may need to make a list of these possible diversions beforehand.

6. Taking care of yourself

Self-care plays a Surprisingly large role in your ability to manage anxiety. When you are getting an adequate amount of sleep, eating healthy meals, being active on a daily basis and avoiding dependence on substances like alcohol, you are building up your body and mind’s resilience to stress so that you can handle most of the challenges that come your way.

These skills do require patience and determination. However, once learnt, people gain a lasting sense of their own power and competence in working actively with their own symptoms to conquer anxiety through their own efforts.

The modern world tends to live in the future. And when you’re not in the future (trying to get noticed or running after something) you’re relieving your past. If you are always frustrated by your hectic life schedule, maybe you need to schedule a few internal meetings? These five easy mindfulness practices will help you to be fully engaged in the present, attending to what happens in the moment, engaged, in control and at peace.

1. Slow Down and Notice

Pause what you’re doing and let your shoulders relax while and simply take in whatever is around you in this moment. You will be surprised how much better you feel. Create space internally so that you can better focus on what you’re doing – from work to being with family. It is hard to remember to take these pauses in everyday life, so try to use viual cues or schedule in mindfulness mini breaks to help make this practice a useful habit.

2. Practice Mindful Eating

Enjoy your food by chewing it properly. Chewing breaks down your food into small particles for proper digestion. Eat food for nourishing your body only. Recognize your non-hunger triggers to breaking free from food cravings and compulsive overeating. Do not upset your digestive system by eating more. It will have harmful effects on your body.

3. The 4, 7, 8 Breathing technique

This short-term fix for stress and anxiety (and to help you sleep) can immediately tame the fight-or-flight response misfiring in your brain, cool your body’s inflammatory response to all those stress hormones, and halt anxiety or panic by using a simple breathing technique. The technique has 4 easy steps, as follows;

1. Breathe in through your nose for a count of 4.
2. Hold your breath for a count of 7.
3. Release your breath from your mouth with a whooshing sound for a count of 8.
4. Without a break, breathe in again for a count of 4, repeating the entire technique 3-4 times in a row, then resume normal breathing and activity.

The 4 7 8 breathing technique works because when you are stressed out, your breathing becomes very shallow. People who experience long-term, chronic stress are often chronically under-breathing and are in a constant state of mild hypoxia, or oxygen deprivation.

In addition, under-breathing can lead to a build up of excess carbon dioxide in your tissues, which contributes to oxidative stress, inflammation and acidification in your body—the foundations for disease.

4. Start your day without any gadgets

What’s the first thing you do when you get out of bed each morning? If you check phone, you are not alone. Many people start their day by checking their phones. Instead of checking office emails or the notifications of your social media profiles, take out some time for meditation. Plan out your whole day in a systematic manner. Don’t make any excuses and shift your focus towards this wonderful and productive exercise.

5. Pause for a Cup of Tea

This is another practice I bring up often because I believe the act of slowing down to make tea (or even coffee or hot cocoa) can become an act of nourishing ourselves that brings us right into this moment. When you make your cup of tea, even if you’re just heating water in a microwave, try to really slow down and notice your senses. Breathing and being right here, giving yourself this gift of something to warm your body.

Dr Benjamin Piper

Over the last bank holiday, with nothing much to do, I embarked on a
box set journey by settling down to watch a US series called
‘Girls’. It was one of those where you feel bereft when you reach
the end of the available episodes! The characters developed
beautifully in a realistic look at what it is like to live in a large
city in your twenties, lots to compare for those of us who call London
home. Mental health issues developed for a number of the characters
and the presentation to the viewer felt honest, despite the insertion
of some comedy to lighten the load. An interesting quip by Richard E.
Grant (who seems to pop up all over TV) was made to one of the main
characters while both were in rehab. He patronisingly said ‘you’re
too young to understand what thoughts are useless to you’. It was
delivered with great comedy value but revealed an important
psychological message!

Thoughts are often understood as factual and to be relied upon. They
can often seem convincing because: we thought them; they keep
returning; they have a strong historical base in our experience; and
they might cause a strong emotional reaction!!

However, as Richard E Grant’s character was suggesting, a lot of
our thoughts are not always factual and certainly should not
automatically be believed! Many of our thoughts are useless and not
worthy of our time. So, remember: Thoughts aren’t facts, they are
just thoughts!

Let me give you some examples to illustrate what I mean here:

While giving an important speech an executive noticed two people in
the front row speaking and then one walked out of the room and the
other stayed but looked distracted. The executive began to think her
speech was not being received well and that she was boring people. Her
negative and self-doubting thoughts then had an impact on her energy
levels and concentration for the remaining five minutes. Afterwards,
she was told that the two people in the front row were a couple and
they had been arguing. The speaker then realised that she had jumped
to conclusions and personalised the couples behaviour, indicating her
first thoughts were not factual and she had interpreted their
behaviour according to her own anxiety that she had been feeling. This
lead to a reaction that changed her performance.

Here is another example:

A man had been rejected by his lover a month ago and he had felt down
since. As a result, he decided to extend his social network using
Facebook. A number of people had not accepted his friend requests and
he started to obsessively think that people do not like him and these
thoughts lowered his mood further still. During the coming months
those people did accept his friend requests and it turned out that
they do not use Facebook very often. This showed him that his thinking
had been inaccurate and he had allowed this situation and the
resultant thoughts to deepen his depression.

I promise, this is the last one:

A banker had an argument with a colleague the previous day. On
returning to work, he said hello to the receptionist who walked
straight past him and did not answer. He thought that she was ignoring
him because she might have heard about the argument the previous day.
The banker began to get anxious that he had been represented badly and
was being judged by people. As a result he was having huge difficulty
concentrating on his work. Thirty minutes later, the receptionist
walked past him and apologised for not answering him and said that she
had felt ill and was rushing for some fresh air. He realised that he
had jumped to conclusions and that his initial thoughts were
irrational and inaccurate!

These examples, hopefully, demonstrate the danger of not being able
to, as Richard E Grant’s character in Girls puts it, work out which
thoughts are useless to you. Our ability to dismiss useless thoughts
varies massively according to our mood. When a person is depressed,
thoughts become very rigid and negatively skewed. A person can find
themselves adding negative meaning to aspects of their experience that
would be dismissed as nonsense and irrational at times of better mood.
For example, a friend of mine is feeling quite depressed at the moment
and I call every day at the same time. His thoughts on my support was
that I was only available to him in the morning and that he was not
important enough to have time in my evening. Therefore, he did not
always answer as he felt I was being unfair! When we were able to chat
about it I explained my perspective – that I was calling every day
first thing to ensure he knew I was there. I would have been happy to
chat in the evening too. These kind of distorted patterns of thinking
are symptoms as well as primary maintaining factors in depression and
anxiety disorders. If you give irrational (useless) thoughts your full
attention you may end up feeling very depressed or anxious!

There is help available if you are unable to tackle your distorted
thinking alone in the form of cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT).
This therapy is very useful for learning the skills of challenging the
idea that thoughts are factual and deserve our attention. One of the
most important skills learned in cognitive therapy is to be able to
observe problematic thinking styles and force a balanced evaluation of
them.  This can lead to a more positive thinking style and that feels
nice……The aim is for a person to eventually dismiss thinking
styles/patterns/ particular thoughts that lead to unnecessary negative
emotion, because these thoughts are useless and take us where we
don’t need to be.

Don’t be a slave to your thoughts, they can hold you back.

The Best way to manage your weight? Exercise your MIND.

OK so this may not be as groundbreaking as the recent cosmos discovery, but did you know that your weight is directly related to the food that you eat and your relationship with that food? Yes we are stating the well-established obvious.  This knowledge has been drummed into our psyches from as far back as any of us living on earth today can remember. However are you aware of just how ‘it’s complicated’ this relationship with food is? The therapists at iRise Psychology have pooled together to work on an exciting project examining the psychology of weight management. With a combination of clinical experience and evidence based psychotherapeutic models, they have been developing new ways of thinking about weight loss. In summary they have found that before you embark on a weight loss or management plan, you need to deconstruct and understand how to manage the factors that prevent successful and consistent weight management.

Food

When looking at psychological factors at play with food, we realise just how primal and developmentally profound our relationship to food is. As babies we form just as strong an attachment to food than with any other early interpersonal attachments. In fact the emotional response to food can become confused with other nurturing attachments. For instance, when a baby is being fed, it is completely unable to work out if they feel better from food nurturance, eye contact or emotional closeness and warmth. So in reality food is perhaps the most logical choice when we are in need of comfort. This also expands into our cultural framework – when we celebrate in society, it usually involves eating.

Moreover, if as children our compassionate attachments were deficient, food becomes one of the most powerful ways of counteracting that deficiency. There are some extremely powerful forces influencing our relationship with food.

Clinical experience has shown how frequently problems with food are linked to psychological difficulties. “It’s definitely linked to my depression” was the response from one of our clients, who in treatment spoke of her unhappy marriage. “I tend to eat when I am unhappy, it gives me a pleasure that is missing. It’s like that numbing feeling you have after Sunday lunch, where you can’t move”. With many clients we see the use of food being inextricably linked to often valid reasons for unhappiness. It may start from a psychological issue but after time your physiology also changes, distorting your appetite control and pushing their weight into the higher levels of obesity.

Another client, referred to by their GP to us with weight related medical problems, also spoke of bad relationships and working nights as a cause for their weight gain. “When you feel stuck in a rut you have to have some comfort, and it’s better than drinking and smoking, right?” she said. The difference with food is that you can’t cut it out, thereby differentiating it from other common addictions and adding to the complexities.

Triggers

Emotional eaters can tend to develop a number of triggers. Emotions, specific foods and situations can all set off a period where eating is no longer controllable. It is essential therefore that these triggers are understood and managed in ways that stop the person resorting to food. Triggers are where psychology comes in and begins to play the most important part in successful weight management.

The experience of trying to lose or manage your weight always brings the inevitable question: Why do most people fail to stick to weight loss programs, or why do people always put the weight back on? The reason we believe at Mentis Psychology is because of a missing ingredient in weight management protocols. This is no minor ingredient and is the essence of the whole dish!

Mind Games

As anyone who has struggled with their weight will tell you, losing weight is a MIND GAME. To lose weight and keep it off, the key is our mindset. If you don’t work on this first and get it right, then most diet plans and exercise programs will eventually expire. You will end up psychologically sabotaging your efforts. This approach to weight management begins with a key premise. Do not even being trying to lose weight until you have the right mindset, realistic expectations, and have learnt or are willing to learn from past experiences. The second apriorism to focus on is that weight gain is generally another symptom of an underlying issue. The reason why weight management fails is because (as is often the case with western healthcare) we only try to treat the symptom, not the underlying reason for weight gain. Success depends on understanding what the weight gain was a symptom of, or inevitable failure will follow.

The Importance of YOU

In a study carried out by Professor Kerrigan at the obesity clinic at The Countess of Chester Hospital, he found that out of 100 female patients 50% had experienced some form of physical or sexual abuse. Research also suggests that overweight African American women endure higher levels of racism than there lighter counterparts. These statistics can feel somewhat redundant as we are all too aware in our thin centic society the stigma and discrimination involved in being overweight. It all makes having the right mindset even more difficult to achieve. This is where working with a therapist on self-esteem and self-compassion is vital to your success. We believe self-compassion to be somewhat of a rising star in the world of psychological interventions. This TEDX talk by Dr Kristen Neff on self-esteem is really worth watching.

Breaking it down into three areas, Self kindness, Common Humanity and Mindfulness, she also speaks on how we think being critical is a way to motivate others, as well as ourselves. In reality it increases the likelihood of not even trying, of giving up, as we want to avoid the pain of being criticised again. This also taps into the ‘fear of failure’ we mentioned in our blog post on resolutions last year. This is so relevant to the pivotal issue of motivation in the psychology of weight loss, as so many clinicians and personal trainers (often unconsciously)try to shame and guilt people into losing weight.

Dr Piper, Clinical Service manager at iRise Psychology adds “A positive sense of self always plays a key role in any changes you are trying to make in your life. Very often people think they are unhappy because they are overweight, when in reality being unhappy has made them overweight. Speaking to a therapist to uncover these issues can have a profound effect on all areas of your life and make you more appreciative of yourself. Very often when people become more than comfortable with themselves and their body image they feel that loosing weight is not really an issue.